New Morning

In order to fully appreciate this post, I would suggest you play both these videos at the same time, to get the music soundtrack, Dylan behind Dylan. Enjoy :)

Generations

Grandma Jill and Great-Grandma Joan visited this past weekend. As I was ultimately unable to use the tickets for the Janacek concert at Lincoln Center, they went and saw the concert/opera. From what I hear it was amazing.

THE CUNNING LITTLE VIXEN AUDIO STREAM

Dr. Berg

Dr. Berg, very proud of his work :)

Wednesday Morning at 5 O'Clock (As The Day Begins)

Dylan has been blessing us with some very restful nights the past couple of days. She slept for almost 5 hours on Monday night, and last night she seemed very comfy throughout except for the couple of times she needed to eat. One thing that is annoying, our thermostat seems to have a mind of its own. It tends to alternately try to cool the apartment down to 68  and heat it up to 75. It kind of reminds me of that scene from "The Gods Must Be Crazy" when he is trying to get the jeep through the gate on a hill, but everytime he gets it going one way he needs to run back and close the gate and then the jeep rolls back again.



We can't seem to get it just right without swinging the other way. Not the worst thing to have a complaint about anyway, so no worries. Dylan is up eating now, just had a big poop mess so she got a nice sponge bath, and now is nice and cozy in one of her towels with a hood. How on earth did babies survive before they invented the towel with the hood? There is really nothing cuter!

Off to the City!

Heading in to go to Nicole's doctors appointment.
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My Car, The Almost Lemon

Yay, Volkswagen! 

Ok, actually,  my car is quickly slipping away into lemon-hood. I was planning on bringing it to my mechanic for a final tune-up before selling it, and the night before I was going to drive up there the car started overheating. It seems to overheat after only 2 or 3 minutes of driving. I went to the dealer to get some coolant, and they told me they would have to charge $175 just to take a look at the car and tell me what they thought was wrong. So I decided to take my chances and see if I could get up to my mechanic, Auto Serra, in Valhalla, NY, 30 miles north of the city!! So I took the harrowing trip on the Hutch, praying that the engine wouldn't just explode. I could basically drive for around 4 or 5 minutes before the heating indicator went all the way to the top, and I would have to pull off and let all of the steam out of the cooling tank for 15 minutes before I could get going again. One nice thing about Volkswagens is that their engine takes a special kind of coolant and can actually take straight water as well,  unlike most American cars. I stopped at a nice little roadside corner market in Yonkers (somehow felt like Ohio, like I was in another state), and refilled my 2 big gallons of water which I had already used. I almost called the tow truck to come get me there (still 20 miles from Valhalla), but decided to give it one last chance after sitting for half an hour eating bananas. Amazingly, the car made it all the way to Valhalla, only overheating when I was 100 yards from the garage! 

The good news is that I made it there, the bad news is that Joe Serra is afraid there is a blown main gasket in the engine block, which is a huge repair, and will end of costing over 2 grand, which is almost 2/3rds of what I thought I could get back for the car. However, he said there is a chance that just repairing the water pump will fix the problem, although he is skeptical. Fingers are crossed that I can at least get this car back for the next month and a half. 

Ok, more baby posts coming soon. Here is the song of the day:

Happy Father's Day to me :)

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Happy Fathers Day

Got to wake up to this cute face today. 

Today is also Nicole and my's first wedding anniversary. 

Didn't expect to be spending it like this, but no complaining here!

Taking The Veil

It is amazing, I have been home all week and yet have had no time or brain power to write anything of substance on this blog. I guess the transition to fatherhood is a little more personal and substantial than I thought. However, I decided I can take some time this morning to put down some thoughts:

1. poop
2. pee
3. dribble
4. poop
5. dribble
6. swaddle
7. un-swaddle
8. laundry
9. continue pattern to #113

Baby seems to be doing great. Nicole is healing as well. We had a scare the other evening, Nicole was unable to catch her breath after moving around, and had to clear her throat but it was too painful. She was hyperventilating and we thought maybe choking. With Dylan screaming in the background (I think she could feel our fear in the air) I called 911 (after calling my father for some instant advice). My first 911 call ever, and hopefuilly my last. Not fun. Although the 911 lady was very nice, asked about the screaming baby, whether it was a screaming girl baby or screaming guy baby. The small talk was nice, but she had no idea what to do about Nicole, so we were hoping that the ambulance would get there soon or her breathing would clear up. After a few harrowing minutes, Nicole was able to calm down completely and crisis was averted. The EMTs showed up, but we decided not to go (back) to the hospital, and take our chances that it wouldn't happen again before the morning. It didn't. Phew.

Turns out Nicole had secretion in her lungs, which can happen, and she is just going to have to fight the pain of coughing it up if it happens again. Won't kill her, but will hurt. Whats new, I feel like that is the story of her life the past few months. We are both anxious for the time when she can get back on her feet and back to pre-pregnancy Nicole. I can hardly remember...

So, becoming a father is really not like "taking the veil" (the title of this post), however there is definitely something trans-formative and serene about it. I don't feel like I all of a sudden have great wisdom to impart, or inventive disciplinary ideas, but I do feel that no matter what happens I know that I will be putting our little girl first, and that is comforting. I at LEAST have full trust that Nicole and I have her interests first, even if no one else in this entire world does. It is scary enough thinking about the amount of people fighting for resources in this world, but comforting to know that Dylan has 2 strong people fighting for her. And in the grand scheme of things, that is what matters. And my final thought on the matter is that is that as we grow older and the continuum of parentage infuses us with the spirit to ..um....shoot, my mind is back to poop and pee and eat and swaddle and dribble and whimper and.........

A nun takes the veil

I have desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail
And a few lilies blow.

And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the swing of the sea.

Heaven-Haven
Gerard Manley Hopkins

Frogger!

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Re: [Of Janacek and Cacti] First doctor's appt

PS - thanks Mom and Grandma for the stroller and Dad and Gwen for the carseat!

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First doctor's appt

Dylan's first trip into Manhattan since she left the hospital. The doctor said she looks great - long for her age and already back past her birth weight. He said to keep doing whatever we are doing, and they will see her again in 4 weeks. That was easy!

What wasn't easy was getting out of the house for the doctor's appointment. Just like in a movie, everything that could have gone wrong did. Messy outfits, multiple diaper changes, and Nicole not feeling great made it quite an adventure.
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Grandpa Jef

Princess 2

Princess 1

Uncle Howie

Flashback

Now that Mommie and baby are both here and healthy and happy, I can look back on the harrowing cab ride from Roosevelt Island to the hospital I took when the doctors were worried about Dylan's lack of movement after the last ultrasound.

It was one of those periods of time where everything was raw and surreal - my sense of urgency for getting home and grabbing our things and getting to the hospital was moving at a completely different speed from everyone around me - from the taxi driver to the pedestrians to the traffic cops at the backed up Roosevelt Island Bridge (man was I cursing the fact that I live on an island at that moment!). I instantly had a complete re-ordering of my priorities, and fear manifested itself in every situation I could think of - from the danger of driving on a bridge to the fear of unsympathetic strangers.

It reminds me of David Foster Wallace's description of an "irrational fear of flying", which he correctly rebuttals with the argument that being afraid to fly is actually a completely rational fear, one supported by both anecdotal and (for many people) personal experience (bad turbulence, etc). However, it is the fact that one can rationalize the act of actually boarding a plane at all that speaks so loudly about the way we choose to deal with the world.

Nothing is so clear as when you are thinking about bringing a new life into the world and the amount of potential things that can go wrong. However, when the possibility of tragedy becomes a reality that you have to deal with immediately, all of the surrounding forest can look so black and foreboding, and it is only through proceeding on the road that one can start to see the beautiful light between the trees again.

This moment of fear is what I was experiencing when the "Give Me My Robe" came on my headphones while sitting in the back of the cab. I cannot describe how this music both compounded my deepest fears and at the same time struck me with the image of the beautiful awesome frailty of life - this is the sublime duality of music. I was almost shaking from the was this music so directly matched the feeling I was experincing.

Music can peek into these recesses of life, and remind us of times when we felt life raw and unhinged, and reminding us that the only way to fully to appreciate the sublime moments in life is to embrace their impermanence.

I cannot find the following on Youtube (the version they have up does not have the intro which is inseparable from the aria), and I am not sure how to embed the MP3 here, but you can download it from the link following, and I would suggest you do:

Leontyne Price sings "Give Me My Robe"
from Leontyne Price Sings Barber

CLEOPATRA
Give me my robe,put on my crown,I have
Immortal longings in me.Now no more
The juice of Egypt's grape shall moist this lip.
(Surreptitiously, Iras plunges her hand into the basket.)
Yare,yare,good Iras:quick,Methinks I hear
Antony call:I see him rouse himself
To praise my noble act.
(with increasing intensity)
Husband,I come:
Now to that name my courage prove my title!
I am fire,and air;my other elements
I give to baser life.So,have you done?
Come then,and take the last warmth of my lips.
Farewell,kind Charmian,Iras,long farewell.
(She kisses them. Iras falls and dies. Cleopatra and
Charmian bend over Iras' body.)
Have I the aspic on my lips? Dost fall?
(tenderly)
If thou and nature can so gently part,
The stroke of death is as a lover's pinch.
Which hurts,and is desired.

Serenity

Just born.

Meet Dylan Harper

One more thing...

The doctor is going to play some music during the surgery - gave Nicole a selection to choose from, she chose Neil Young. He said "everybody seems to ask for that!". :)
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No Labor = C-section

Well, the Pitocin didn't work, and the doctor said he has never seen it not work. So....he has decided on c-section. I am quite nervous for Nicole, but as my dad said, doctor knows best, and this is the safest thing for our baby girl. BTW, her name is Dylan Harper Sneider. Next time I post she will be with us. :/ :)
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Mavs and Pitocin

What a night. The Mavs look like they are going to take a 3-2 lead in the finals. Nicole is sleeping, a steady stream of Pitocin flowing in her veins. The nurse said she is surprised that Nicole is taking in so much but is not yet feeling painful contractions. We hope that is ok. Pitocin is the synthetic version of Oxitocin, the natural hormone that gets the contractions going, breast milk flowing, and other pregnancy related female needs. Nicole is getting 47.9 Milligrams/hour right now. She seems to be having contractions 3 minutes apart, but she is not feeling them painfully yet at all. We expect that to change. I am going to try and get some rest.

At the hospital!

At the hospital! Nicole is on the monitor and everything is looking fine. Baby's heart rate and movement are good now, although the doctor is worried because there was low movement for a little while there (which is why she was sent here in the first place). We are still unsure what is going to happen, but now she is in good hands at NYU hospital, and we are in a big delivery room. Nicole is feeling good, and is relaxing listening to Tina Fey's audio book and now watching Ellen. Darlene and I are relaxing - I think we are both more nervous that Nicole, but doing fine. The initial nerves are wearing off. The nurse told us that Dr. Berg has hinted that he might be leaning towards a c-section, but he is just leaving it as a possibility, not definite.

So, the following I had written last night but didn't post, so now is as good a time as any:

I thought I should explain the title of this blog. I think the "cacti" is pretty self explanatory. Getting ready for Arizona! Tumbleweeds and cacti! There is nothing as visually stereotypical as the Arizona cacti, shaped exactly as they are in the old Wile-E-Coyote cartoons.

Janacek is a Czechoslovakian composer who lived from 1854-1928. I remember sitting in my car one evening driving through Queens about a year ago - before I had decided to definitely go back to school, and before any idea about a baby entered the picture. I belive I was going to pick up Brian Kassel, who was in town for a couple of days, and we were going to get Taiwanese food.

I didn't hear the beginning of the opera, in fact when I turned on the radio I only caught the last five minutes. I was enthralled by the sound of the language, and the stretch of the music, but could not for the life of me figure out what it was. I thoguht maybe Russian, but there was something more fluid about the words, and the music was to tender and hopeful to be any Russian composer I knew. I decided right there that whatever language it was I would make it my life's goal to learn. When the opera finished, and I heard that it was Janacek's "Jenufa", I was a little rattled, for I had never heard of him and had to look him up on Wikipedia to even find out what language it was. Czechoslovakian. What an amazing sounding language.

I looked into getting some study guides, and was constantly informed that Czechoslovakian, in addition to being difficult to spell, is also one of the most difficult of the European languages to learn. I still will make it a life's goal.

The weekend of June 22nd, the New York Philharmonic will be performing Janacek's opera "The Cunning Little Vixen" at Avery Fisher Hall. They performed Ligeti's "Le Grand Macabre" last year, and it was one of the most incredible performances I have ever seen in NYC. I have tickets for Nicole and I to attend, they were purchased before the baby and school were certain. I am not going to say it is a specific goal to attend, because it is low on my list of priorities right now, but I feel like it is a nice landmark to look to.

Heading to Hospital

Nicole went in for her ultrasound, and they sent her to hospital. I just grabbed our stuff from the apartment and I am in cab on way to meet her. Wish us luck, they were worried that the baby was too still so they want to get her on a monitor. I'm nervous, but glad we planned ahead with packing the bags and everything.
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Waiting for the Red Bus

Wednesday morning, July 8th. Going to work, hence, no baby yet. Yesterday the doctor, Dr. Berg, broke Nicole's membranes - this is something doctors can do to try and induce labor. It was painful for Nicole - of course the doctor said "if you think this is bad just wait for labor!". Not comforting. Regardless it has not seemed to work yet, but we will see. Off to work now.

Beneath (or somewhere hovering around) The Underdog

NBA Finals, Game 4, Miami Heat v. Dallas Mavericks

My lord, I truly am an underdog fan. I will root for the lovable losers any chance I get. As much as Dwayne Wade is the most competitive closer in basketball, and as much as he has proven that he will always be the best player on the court in the NBA Finals, I still want Dirk and the Mavs to take this series. I feel for Dirk - he is the homely, lanky, awkward superstar - always pushing beyond his natural desire to fade into the background in big moments. He seems to have solved his problem in that respect. But basketball is a team game (wow, cliche!), and I think that the Mavs have the better overall "Team". The Heat have the best players, but they have proven to fold during the ultimate test of team play - the final minutes of a close game when you are down by a small margin. Nothing can go wrong in those situations, and the Heat have again and again tried to rely on individual superstars rather than an overall clear game plan. The fact that Lebron is now hiding in the corner in these situations and putting all of the pressure on Wade makes me respect them even less. Sports create a framework in which our humanity is on display in raw fashion. You can't fake it or hide behind lights and makeup. We know what we are getting, and the thrill of seeing someone rise above their weaknesses and reach the pinnacle of their sport, as Dirk and Wade are trying to do, is inspiring. However, I can't help but notice that as soon as that person becomes champion, it is now time for someone else to try and unseat them. And I, inevitably, will be rooting for the underdog.

Oh, Dallas won, last 4th quarter comeback, late drive by Dirk, and then sloppy play by Wade to keep the Heat from getting a good last second shot off. And Dirk had a temperature of 102º the entire game. Gotta love it!

Below is a link to the pianist Jeremy Denk performing the Goldberg Variations at the Isabella Stuart Gardner Museum in Boston. I have heard this piece/pieces played hundreds of times, but I was blown away by his interpretation. If listening to Gould play Bach is like listening to an architectural masterpiece being constructed by one man, then listening to Denk's interpretation is like listening to an Amish house building project. With Denk, each line is not only weaving in and out of each other, but seem to be cooperating for some greater good, always waiting their turn, supporting each other, and trusting the last to grow upon. Brilliant.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE CONCERT

And here is some other info about Jeremy:

Baby driving a Bus

I have decided that it feels like we are waiting for a bus being driven by a baby. The baby doesn't know where the clutch or steering wheel is, but is definitely waving its arms trying to get this thing moving. All we can do is sit and wait and hope that it hits the pedal soon. We had souvlaki for dinner, oh, Darlene is still here, has been here a week tomorrow. Been fun, but we felt a bit bored this weekend. Actually are now going to start making plans during the days - I am going to get Darlene to the MOMA tomorrow. We are both sure as soon as Nicole is home alone that is when the contractions will start. But ah well, making me realize that you can't drop everything for this, and that you just have to count on being able to get available soon. I could actually plan rehearsals and recordings and everything, and if I have to cancel, so be it. I wish I could talk to my Grandpa right now - he would be so excited. I would love to hear him laugh at me and say that I need to be patient, and that she is going to be so beautiful and smart. I am sad that Nicole never got to meet him - he would have loved her so much and she would have understood why I talk about him with such reverential words. I was thinking about the "announcement" email I will be sending once our daughter is born. I was thinking I should put something poetic into it, or humorous, and I realize that my desire for showmanship comes from him. He always had the right joke or endearing comment. I will have to have 2 youtube videos below:



and

Waiting Continues

As the waiting continues, I have picked up an interesting book from the Octagon library - "Everything and More: A Compact History of ∞" by David Foster Wallace. He is of course the author of "Infinite Jest" who committed suicide in 2008. This book was published in 2003, and is pretty blatantly about how thinking about the concept of infinity, ∞, can drive one crazy. He really explores brilliance and writes like a brilliant person, with references to mathematicians and philosophers overflowing from the introduction, which is all I have gotten through at this point. His writing style is prose, almost stream of consciousness, except it is hard to imagine that anyone's consciousness could contain all of the facts and quotes he spouts, but who knows. His language and self-referential loops of logic remind of times in my life when I have been locked in never ending loops of thought about certain subjects, which for all intents and purposes could be called ∞. He does a great job of explaining the difference between math problems and math theorems, and makes it clear why mathematicians and philosophers are two stereotypically unhinged groups of people.

In my current reflective state, I can't help but feel sad for him that he decided to continue following these thoughts "down the rabbit hole" as you might say. He was obviously an incredibly intelligent person, and he obviously thought that he would be able to follow these thoughts without burning up, despite what he obviously knew about the history of others who attempted this line of thought. I remember making the choice years ago that it is better to live in the world than to go crazy trying to see what everyone else is missing. This was a choice made out of necessity, and out of a knowledge of where I was headed based on the stories of those who came before me. As a musician, (hell, as anything in this world) there are examples of those who sacrificed their normal being in order to obtain a higher goal of pure art, of complete abandonment to the ambiguity which is music as a philosophy. Music can exist to entertain, console, heal, unite, etc, but it can also exist as a never ending mathematical/philosophical problem which one wants to solve. Kind of like trying to understand what the back of your head looks like (without a mirror or camera). You can ask others what the back of your head looks like, you can look at other people's heads, you can experiment to teach yourself, but you will never be able to actually look at the back of your head with your own eyes. This is what it is to be a musician - and to study music.

I guess I am also thinking about my daughter. Now, inside of Nicole as she is, is she already everything she is going to be? Is her future going to change, or her personality, based on everything we do, or is she just continuing from something that already existed, and moving on in the seemingly unending cycle of life? I hope to give her the strength and curiosity to peer at the world and its contradictions, explore the beauty of them, but also know that to peer off the edge is at times the limit of what we can do on this earth. There are things which we will never know and will never understand, and that is the true concept of faith, faith in the world that it is worth leaving the edge even without all questions answered, in order to contribute to the beauty of a shared life in society. I am not glad that David Foster Wallace looked over the edge and jumped, despite the fact that he tried to hold a mirror up for us to see while he fell. I have seen what is there.

And it is ∞.

Due Dates...

have come and gone. It is now Saturday, and the waiting continues. It is an amazing time, because you realize the mystery of the process. What are we waiting for? The baby is not in charge - she has no say about when she will come out, although I am sure her level of discomfort is causing her to try and look for an exit at this point. Nicole is not in charge - she would get it going if she could, but has nothing outside of a few wives tales (walk, watch scary movies, drink castor oil) to go by. I would guess that her hormones are in charge - what's new.