July 11th, 2014

R.I.P. George Gershwin. On this day 77 years ago he died of the brain tumor, age 38. I still have about a year to catch up to his accomplishments...

I say that with a smile...

Does give me some more respect for what he accomplished. I sometimes wish he had written more concert music, maybe another opera, more solo piano works, like Schubert or Mozart had done by his age. But wow, did he accomplish a lot in 38 years.

We are in Wellfleet, our annual Salisbury Beach to Cape Cod summer vacation. I know that age is just a number, but it is on my mind a lot right now. I'm not sure where we are going to be living. We are basically stationed at Nana's place in Niagara Falls for the time being. I still am expected back in Phoenix in August to teach two classes at Phoenix College (Theory and Aural Perception) and one at Paradise Valley Community College (Jazz History), but right now I could not afford to go back there without any other work. Our stuff is in storage and we have no apartment to move in to. Nicole has no work there, and Dylan should hopefully be starting if not pre-school, at least some day care activity to get her around kids more (luckily she seems great around them at parks and everything, but she loves it so much I want her to have more time with other kids.). I am waiting to hear from most likely my last chance at a full-time teaching position for the fall, at Penn State Erie. I interviewed there two weeks ago, and although I think that I am over qualified for the position and felt so positive after the interview, I know that there is a good chance they have someone else who is a better fit, for whatever reason.

It is difficult. But it is funny, I look back at the first post in this blog, as we were getting ready to leave New York, and I seem so optimistic and excited, that I can't help but be completely fulfilled and happy that we are where we are, as tenuous and untenable as it may be (I'm not even going to mention our finances, a complete disaster, but hey, its just money!). I know I am happy, and so proud of what I accomplished. I kind of wish I had done this years ago, so I would be ahead of where I am now, able to spend a couple of years building teaching experience, getting performances, perhaps living in NYC as a composer working with more classically trained musicians. But then I would have to give back all of the years I spent working towards this moment, and I wouldn't trade those for the world, let alone perhaps not meeting Nicole and never having Dylan.

But I am definitely scared, unsure. I know I might not get this Erie job. And if I don't, I am truly willing to do anything. I'll work in a kitchen. I'll stack boxes. I'll write grants for an organization, technical manuals. I'll keep working towards publication, getting my pieces performed (in particular the piano concerto). But what I really want to do is be involved with music. Right now I am not. But I know I will be. And that feels good.

I don't know how old is too old to do certain things. My dad always said you're never too old to learn something new. I'm learning every day.

I'm sure I will look back at this day in a year and laugh, because everything will work out.

Until then, we are having an amazing trip.

Call me Dr. S

I am surprised that I have not written since November 21st. I documented the entire DMA adventure from first nascent idea until the completion of the document and my preparation for defense. I can honestly say that it did not even cross my mind to add another post following November 21st. It shocks me that this is true. I am sure that some psychologist somewhere would have a fine reason for this being so. My best guess is that so much focus for 2 1/2 years had been put on completing that goal, that once I did complete it my entire focus changed - I no longer connected to that which had been part of the process, only that which still existed! So, although a few months late, I will need to use this time to formally add an exclamation point or two to the process!!

It's amazing! I am done! Success, and in less time than they or I expected! I worked hard, focussed, believed in what I was doing, and never gave up! Sounds so cliched looking back, and seems like it was easy, only in hindsight. It was easy to do because it was right, it was where I belonged at that time. I feel proud...but also incomplete. I am still chasing something. That is the creation of the great work of art. And short of that, I just want to enjoy experiencing great art, and sharing time with great musicians.

Funny, I am watching a movie. The first time I have sat and watched a full movie in a long time. It is called "Late Quartet," about the four musicians in a string quartet. Fascinating. Also one of Philip Seymour Hoffman's final performances. He was incredible. His death is so tragic. It is interesting, because one thing I can say for the last few years is that we (me) have been able to spend so much time with Dylan, time we couldn't have spent if we were working full-time. Lucky, because by the look of things I may never have a full-time job again :). But whatever happens, I know that I am now on a path that I have chosen, that I am in control of, and I can say without a doubt that we are on the correct path. It is a well written film, using the string quartet to show the relationships among the musicians. It demonstrates the quartet in the way I imagine it, as a relationship like none other in music, but also the complexity of musical and human relationships, and the incredible context behind what it takes for people to come together to make music. I have had my own failures on that front, musical relationships that have formed, dissolved, burned, exploded. I was realizing yesterday that most of my closest friends are NOT musicians, or if they are they are ones that I have not worked with directly.

But that is ok. Musical relationships, like all relationships, are difficult. And they do get more difficult as we get older. I have the desire still to have those relationships. But I realize my priorities are where they are for a reason. They are with my family. And I am so lucky to have this family. It is the reason I write music, it is the reason I believe in music.

Why all of the jokes about musicians not making money? Because it is not what we make. We make connections. I need to continue believing in this as I extend on this next path. It is not about sitting in a room writing, it is about creating something that can bring people, musicians, together. I'll keep doing my best.

And hey, just because, this is something to behold: